How the Marjaree Mason Center defines Financial Abuse in relation to Domestic Violence:
Financial abuse:
Preventing victim from getting or maintaining employment;
Giving victim insufficient allowance, or taking money from victim;
Forcing victim to ask or beg for money from abuser;
Hiding money or preventing victim from knowing about or having access to family finances.
The above is one of the key issues facing victims of domestic abuse. Even after the victim has finally faced the reality of her situation and becomes ready to leave, she often cannot due to her financial circumstances.
What does it mean?
1) The victim has no job. If she has been in her situation for longer than 10 years, she likely has few marketable skills and will find it difficult to convince an employer to take a chance on her. She likely has little to no work experience, so any job she might be able to get will be entry level at best. This will not support her or her children.
2) The victim has little or no savings. The things necessary to starting a new life cost money and she has none: deposit for apartment rent, deposit for utilities, food, etc.
3) An employer will require a permanent address and references. A permanant address will require an employer and references.
4) Any public assistance that could be of use to her if she were single is out of her reach if she is living with her abuser. Once she leaves her abuser, it takes 60-90 days for any public assistance to be processed.
5) An enrageable man suspects EVERYTHING so EVERYTHING (locating a job, locating housing, locating financial assistance) must be done in secret and will require outside help.
6) The abuser has spent much time and much energy in systematically separating his victim(s) from anybody that would assist her, i.e. friends, neighbors, family.
In short, the victim either needs two to three months worth of assistance to be ready for her on the day that she leaves her situation, OR she needs to somehow find a job and work at it for two to three months, find housing, and arrange for her and her kids' needs, without her suspicious abuser finding out. No matter how you look at it, it's a steep mountain to climb for one who already feels defeated.
Add to that the prejudices held by those that just don't understand or care. I heard of a woman who was working temp jobs, trying to work her way out of her abusive situation. She had been placed in a job that was to have lasted 8 weeks. On her third day at that employer, her husband broke through her restraining order and beat her. She made it to work on time the next day, but with a black eye that was painful to look at. The employer excused her from working that day, then called the agency that placed her and complained about her lack of professionalism. The agency dropped her.
I know another woman who has two kids and whose live-in boyfriend abuses her. She has a minimum-wage job that will not come close to supporting her and her children. She's already been told that she doesn't qualify for Section 8, food stamps, or any other public assistance because those financial needs are being met by her boyfriend. Additionally, the car she needs to get back and forth to work and her kids' daycare is being paid for by her boyfriend. If she loses her car, she loses her job.
What is needed is a way to bridge the gap between Getting Out and Being Self-Sufficient. There are wonderful organizations out there that can help. In Fresno, we have the Marjaree Mason Center Domestic Violence Shelter and Supportive Services. However, most victims have been instilled with such a feeling of worthlessness that they never reach out, and then when they do they might find such organizations overburdoned and only able to help in a limited fashion, if at all.
The good news is, it's getting better. Advocacy has raised awareness of the delicate tightrope victims walk. Volunteers go through hours of training so that they can educate and assist victims, and educate first responders and the community at large. Shelters are beginning to do more than offer a bed - they offer crisis services, therapy, parenting classes, legal assistance, job counseling, intervention, and more. With even adequate funding, they could do even more.
Domestic Violence is on the rise. The economy is creating stressful situations that are sending abusers over the edge with greater frequency and to larger effect. Programs like Fresno's Marjaree Mason Center have never been needed more, their volunteers have never been more valuable.
You can help. Go to mmcenter.org to find out about the great things being done at Marjaree Mason Center. The site offers education on the abuse cycle, lists programs offered, lists way you can volunteer from stuffing envelopes to assisting teen advocates, and tells how you can donate to this cause. It's more than worthwhile - it's absolutely invaluable.
I know.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
What we don't know might kill us afterall
I have to take some time off from the lighthearted for awhile. At least here. I'm feeling a little directed towards being an advocate for an issue that hits very close to home: Domestic Abuse.
I am a victim of Domestic Abuse.
It took me a very long time to say that. Mostly because it took me a very long time to know that I was. I mean, I knew that I was, but I didn't KNOW know. I'm not really sure when it actually sank in that it was ABUSE instead of just "difficulties", but I do know that it took too long.
For years I would covertly try to get validation of my situation. I would tell of a minor incident to friends, I think hoping for a connection to someone who had been there, but never found that connection. I would almost always find something that I would interpret as recrimination for allowing myself to be in that situtation. I felt judged for not getting my daughter away from that situation.
Maybe there was never recrimination and maybe nobody judged me, but because I was so emotionally beat down, I don't know that I was ever going to feel anything but bad about myself anyway. I felt very isolated by my circumstance and didn't have a clue what to do about it. What I do know, is that every time some well-meaning person asked me, "Why don't you just leave?" it was a knife through my gut. There is no easy answer to that question. To the person who's never been there, it seems just that simple. Just leave. What's stopping you? What's wrong with you?
Contrary to what the uninitiated might believe, in an abusive relationship, the abuser isn't a constant ball of rage. Rather, the abuser is probably somebody that most think is a "great guy". Outwardly, he loves and cares for his family. He goes to church, is involved in his community, and is maybe regarded as a leader in some respect. He doesn't abuse his victim(s) from the very beginning of a relationship, but waits until he knows that his victim is emotionally committed and weakened by the prospect of losing him. He takes the time and energy necessary to cut his victim off from as many relationships (life-lines) as possible, and even creates a financial situation wherein leaving becomes virtually impossible.
It starts slowly, occuring infrequently and in small measure. A name-call here, a small shove there. When the shock of those wears off, the abuse escalates. We've all heard the stories of women (or men) who are ultimately killed by their abusers after years of pain and misery, but most of us who have been victims didn't realize we WERE victims until we were too weak emotionally and mentally to do what needed to be done. We are afraid for our lives and the lives of our children, we are isolated and know that nobody is there to rescue us, we are stuck.
My most recent abuser was my 2nd husband. I had to go behind his back to use a library computer to find a place to live that wouldn't require a deposit for fear of having to explain where the money went, then leave when he was passed out drunk, and STILL, I didn't recognise that I was a victim of abuse. Unbelievably, it didn't hit home for real until I looked up the webpage of Fresno's Marjoree Mason Center and read on the page titled "What is Domestic Abuse" about my relationship. It wasn't "Michelle's story", but because the psychology of the abuse cycle is fairly universal, it completely rang true for me. I could not have been more shocked! Now that I look back on that moment, I'm almost as shocked by how shocked I was!
I want to be an advocate because I think there are many women in the same position I was in. It's not that hard to fool yourself into believing that you aren't being abused and that you have control of your situation. Take it from one who knows. I urge anybody who might read this to get educated about the definitions and cycles of domestic abuse; go to this website:
http://www.mmcenter.org/whatis.php
If, after reading this, you think you might be a victim, GET HELP. There are resources listed in the above website. You can also email me. If, after reading this, you feel that you know somebody who is a victim, BE THEIR HELP. Don't let them choose - call the police for them, help them pack, find them a safe-house, do what it takes, because they probably won't be able to do it for themselves. They may not even recognise that they need help.
I am a victim of Domestic Abuse.
It took me a very long time to say that. Mostly because it took me a very long time to know that I was. I mean, I knew that I was, but I didn't KNOW know. I'm not really sure when it actually sank in that it was ABUSE instead of just "difficulties", but I do know that it took too long.
For years I would covertly try to get validation of my situation. I would tell of a minor incident to friends, I think hoping for a connection to someone who had been there, but never found that connection. I would almost always find something that I would interpret as recrimination for allowing myself to be in that situtation. I felt judged for not getting my daughter away from that situation.
Maybe there was never recrimination and maybe nobody judged me, but because I was so emotionally beat down, I don't know that I was ever going to feel anything but bad about myself anyway. I felt very isolated by my circumstance and didn't have a clue what to do about it. What I do know, is that every time some well-meaning person asked me, "Why don't you just leave?" it was a knife through my gut. There is no easy answer to that question. To the person who's never been there, it seems just that simple. Just leave. What's stopping you? What's wrong with you?
Contrary to what the uninitiated might believe, in an abusive relationship, the abuser isn't a constant ball of rage. Rather, the abuser is probably somebody that most think is a "great guy". Outwardly, he loves and cares for his family. He goes to church, is involved in his community, and is maybe regarded as a leader in some respect. He doesn't abuse his victim(s) from the very beginning of a relationship, but waits until he knows that his victim is emotionally committed and weakened by the prospect of losing him. He takes the time and energy necessary to cut his victim off from as many relationships (life-lines) as possible, and even creates a financial situation wherein leaving becomes virtually impossible.
It starts slowly, occuring infrequently and in small measure. A name-call here, a small shove there. When the shock of those wears off, the abuse escalates. We've all heard the stories of women (or men) who are ultimately killed by their abusers after years of pain and misery, but most of us who have been victims didn't realize we WERE victims until we were too weak emotionally and mentally to do what needed to be done. We are afraid for our lives and the lives of our children, we are isolated and know that nobody is there to rescue us, we are stuck.
My most recent abuser was my 2nd husband. I had to go behind his back to use a library computer to find a place to live that wouldn't require a deposit for fear of having to explain where the money went, then leave when he was passed out drunk, and STILL, I didn't recognise that I was a victim of abuse. Unbelievably, it didn't hit home for real until I looked up the webpage of Fresno's Marjoree Mason Center and read on the page titled "What is Domestic Abuse" about my relationship. It wasn't "Michelle's story", but because the psychology of the abuse cycle is fairly universal, it completely rang true for me. I could not have been more shocked! Now that I look back on that moment, I'm almost as shocked by how shocked I was!
I want to be an advocate because I think there are many women in the same position I was in. It's not that hard to fool yourself into believing that you aren't being abused and that you have control of your situation. Take it from one who knows. I urge anybody who might read this to get educated about the definitions and cycles of domestic abuse; go to this website:
http://www.mmcenter.org/whatis.php
If, after reading this, you think you might be a victim, GET HELP. There are resources listed in the above website. You can also email me. If, after reading this, you feel that you know somebody who is a victim, BE THEIR HELP. Don't let them choose - call the police for them, help them pack, find them a safe-house, do what it takes, because they probably won't be able to do it for themselves. They may not even recognise that they need help.
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