I have to take some time off from the lighthearted for awhile. At least here. I'm feeling a little directed towards being an advocate for an issue that hits very close to home: Domestic Abuse.
I am a victim of Domestic Abuse.
It took me a very long time to say that. Mostly because it took me a very long time to know that I was. I mean, I knew that I was, but I didn't KNOW know. I'm not really sure when it actually sank in that it was ABUSE instead of just "difficulties", but I do know that it took too long.
For years I would covertly try to get validation of my situation. I would tell of a minor incident to friends, I think hoping for a connection to someone who had been there, but never found that connection. I would almost always find something that I would interpret as recrimination for allowing myself to be in that situtation. I felt judged for not getting my daughter away from that situation.
Maybe there was never recrimination and maybe nobody judged me, but because I was so emotionally beat down, I don't know that I was ever going to feel anything but bad about myself anyway. I felt very isolated by my circumstance and didn't have a clue what to do about it. What I do know, is that every time some well-meaning person asked me, "Why don't you just leave?" it was a knife through my gut. There is no easy answer to that question. To the person who's never been there, it seems just that simple. Just leave. What's stopping you? What's wrong with you?
Contrary to what the uninitiated might believe, in an abusive relationship, the abuser isn't a constant ball of rage. Rather, the abuser is probably somebody that most think is a "great guy". Outwardly, he loves and cares for his family. He goes to church, is involved in his community, and is maybe regarded as a leader in some respect. He doesn't abuse his victim(s) from the very beginning of a relationship, but waits until he knows that his victim is emotionally committed and weakened by the prospect of losing him. He takes the time and energy necessary to cut his victim off from as many relationships (life-lines) as possible, and even creates a financial situation wherein leaving becomes virtually impossible.
It starts slowly, occuring infrequently and in small measure. A name-call here, a small shove there. When the shock of those wears off, the abuse escalates. We've all heard the stories of women (or men) who are ultimately killed by their abusers after years of pain and misery, but most of us who have been victims didn't realize we WERE victims until we were too weak emotionally and mentally to do what needed to be done. We are afraid for our lives and the lives of our children, we are isolated and know that nobody is there to rescue us, we are stuck.
My most recent abuser was my 2nd husband. I had to go behind his back to use a library computer to find a place to live that wouldn't require a deposit for fear of having to explain where the money went, then leave when he was passed out drunk, and STILL, I didn't recognise that I was a victim of abuse. Unbelievably, it didn't hit home for real until I looked up the webpage of Fresno's Marjoree Mason Center and read on the page titled "What is Domestic Abuse" about my relationship. It wasn't "Michelle's story", but because the psychology of the abuse cycle is fairly universal, it completely rang true for me. I could not have been more shocked! Now that I look back on that moment, I'm almost as shocked by how shocked I was!
I want to be an advocate because I think there are many women in the same position I was in. It's not that hard to fool yourself into believing that you aren't being abused and that you have control of your situation. Take it from one who knows. I urge anybody who might read this to get educated about the definitions and cycles of domestic abuse; go to this website:
http://www.mmcenter.org/whatis.php
If, after reading this, you think you might be a victim, GET HELP. There are resources listed in the above website. You can also email me. If, after reading this, you feel that you know somebody who is a victim, BE THEIR HELP. Don't let them choose - call the police for them, help them pack, find them a safe-house, do what it takes, because they probably won't be able to do it for themselves. They may not even recognise that they need help.
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